Well blow me off with a feather!
If it isn't Randy Battey and his tasty page of delights!

You may have come here because you're interested in finding out more about the anal treats on offer at this year's 'Pilkington Bum Festival' (organised by me, Randy Battey - with a little help from my magical moustache). Or you may have heard tales about my shining silver bottom, and be looking for photographs. You won't find any - although I will be selling a few exclusive signed prints at the Bum Festival. Here's a selection of what else will be on offer at this year's festival:

- The Naked Parade: the highlight of the festival. Moustaches obligatory (stick-on moustaches provided for children and ladies).

- M(ass)age: A special type of massage using the ass instead of the hands.

- Naked dancing (led by Randy Battey)

- Br(ass) Band - all naked of course

- Butt-clenching classes

Anal Delight: a delicious whipped desert served in the shape of a bottom.

As you may have already gathered, Randy Battey just loves getting naked! When I first moved to Pilkington from my home town of Cleveland, Ohio, I used to be confined to stripping off in children's playgrounds and outside the nursing home. But then they let me have my very own Festival - so now Randy Battey can get his bottom out in the name of the community!

My poppa would be so proud of me! I win so many medals and trophies at the Bum Festival (I award them to myself, but that's not the point)!

See, poppa, I done good!
I didn't need to join the army!

If you want to attend this year's festival, email randybattey (at) ruthpickett. co. uk - or join my friends on Myspace! www.myspace.com/randybattey

Catch you later, bumlords!