Hello Citizens. As you are no doubt already aware, I am The Mayor of Pilkington. Being Mayor is an extremely important and high-profile position - it means I am in charge of overseeing such illustrious events as The Pilkington Bum Festival (hosted by our very own Randy Battey) and the Pilkington Drugs Binge (a popular monthly event organised by Maureen the Cleaner).

Being Mayor also means that I get to wear a shiny top hat and a fetching leopardprint coat. Although in fact, this coat dates back to my time as a Gigolo - oh, I mean, as an Office Manager. Oh crap, where's the delete button on this silly computer?

But being Mayor is not all sunshine and Fairy cakes. Althought I am rather partial to Fairy cakes, particularly the ones Maureen laces with LSD. They make you believe you are a fairy! It's brilliant! Although it can also be quite dangerous - I tried to jump out of a tree once, thinking I could fly (which I couldn't). Fortunately an old woman broke my fall. Sadly she also broke her hip.

As Mayor of Pilkington, I also have the unique priveledge of being able to wear my delightful "Mayor of Pilkington" laminated badge. I made it myself, it's rather good. Although it's not actually properly laminated, as I spent my 'office supplies' budget on a special trimming kit for my beard. So I had to cover my badge in bits of sellotape instead.

Right, better go. Lots of important things to be getting on with. But if you're dying to know more about me (The Mayor), why not visit my special 'MySpace' page: www.myspace.com/mayor_of_pilkington

Salutations, citizens!