Good Lord in heaven. That's how it's done. Yes Indeed.

If I ever need to know how to properly execute a sexual position, I always go straight to my sexual bible, 'Erotic Sexual Positions'. It's a 1980s classic - they don't make them like this any more - with tastefully placed lacy undergarments to cover the ladies' modesty and a man whose very demeanor cries out, "I am fuily fledged, fully-hairsprayed, lunging lady lover".

I keep a copy of 'Erotic Sexual positions' on my bedstand, for convenient perusal before, or during, a lovemaking session. Many a time have I had to ask a young lady to cease what she is doing and consult one of Roger Baker's beautifully framed, soft-focus photographs. "Look my dear", I'll say, "If you go at it at a more oblique angle, we can achieve an perfect recreation of page 14."

I also ask all potential lovers to ensure they have read and fully understood the introductory section on the penis, balls, and the importance of wearing a bow in one's hair during a sexual session.

Look at that! Marvel at the sensual recreation of a moment of joyful sexual abandon! Look at his manly lunging! His taut, rippling body! The curve of his manly shoulders and his smooth, tight, bobbing arse!

I love him.

Not in a gay way, you understand - in fact, I'd appreciate it if people stopped making those suggestions about me. Why does it make me gay, just because I show an almost fanatical appreciation for a man's body in all its naked, sweating glory?!

I would highly recommend 'Erotic Sexual positions' to anyone who is interested either in the improvment of their sex life, or in eighties fashion and soft furnishings.

I do in fact run lectures on these very topics, based on my findings in 'Erotic Sexual positions' (with a smattering of research from other books, including 'the teenager's guide to pottery', 'the porn-lover's guide' and 'the vegetarian handbook'. Details of these can be found on my new myspace page, www.myspace.com/dereks_adultvideos

My plan is also to draw up some basic sexual diagrams and insert them (no pun intended) here on this website, for perusal at your leisure.

Check you later.