Oh, hello there. It's Alan from the bakery here.
This is my internet page, do you like it? It's not really about bodybuilders, that's a little joke. I'm not a bodybuilder, as you can see, although once I did take part in the Pilkington pie-lifting contest at the Annual fete. I didn't do very well I'm afraid - I'm allergic to all baked goods so I got a nasty purple rash and was sick all over the new jumper that my Aunty had knitted me.
'And what about the buns?' You might be wondering. Well, we do sell Chelsea buns at the bakery. But my favourite type of bun is Jennifer Bun. I'm hoping that she's going to go out with me this weekend (If you're reading this Jennifer - please do give me a call! I just bought a new pair of luminous yellow trainers that I thought I could wear on our date. I found them attached to a man who was cycling past the bakery. He didn't want to give them to me very much, but then I distracted him with a pork pie and managed to make off with them)
Jennifer Bun works in Past Caring on the edge of town. She's very pretty, and I would like to kiss her very much (that's right, Jennifer!) I know I've never kissed a lady before, but I'm sure it wouldn't be too difficult. I've watched David Hasslehoff doing it lots of times. On the telly, that is. I don't follow him around. Not much, anyway.
This is a picture of me with Action Man. I like Action Man - although he doesn't really live up to his name. I put him on my bed and he just stayed there. He should be called 'staying still man'. Or 'naked George Michael man' David Hasslehoff is a bit like Action Man, because he's strong with a taut, rippling body. Sometimes I wish I had a physique like David Hasslehoff, but when I went to the gym I put my back out on the stairmaster and I haven't been back since.
I bet David lifts 1000 weights a day. I sometimes lift packs of bread rolls onto a shelf at the bakery, but it's not quite the same thing.
So! The internet is an exciting thing, isn't it? It's like a library, only bigger, and without the faint smell of sick in the children's corner.
I tried to have a look for some information on my surname (In case you're wondering it's pronounced 'Thet-wat". It's Swedish), but all I found was a rather raunchy looking lady who said she was "hot, wet and ready for action". Presumably she must have been at some sort of swimming contest in Greece, or a similarly hot climate.
Right, I'd better go. We're understaffed at the bakery, after the work experience boy put his nose in the pepper grinder and had to go to casualty.
Ooh, and if you fancy it (or if you fancy me! Haha!) why not email me on alan (at) ruthpickett. co. uk - or check out my new Myspace page?
It's www.myspace.com/alanfromthebakery Ok, see you later!
